Poltergeist I Was Cheering For The Evil Spirits

Out of all the things we needed from the movies, I’m pretty sure a remake of Poltergeist was relatively low on the list, likely sitting a slot or two below a third Machete movie. Poltergeist is an oft-fondly remembered horror movie from the ’80s that Steven Spielberg produced and co-wrote – and, according to some sources also directed – and its imagery is so iconic that it’s been parodied to the point that it’s no longer scary. Sure, a remake could have fixed that by changing things up – the first Insidious, after all, was little more than a Poltergeist remake – but did anyone really expect that to happen? This is as lazy a remake as there is, adding nothing of value to cinema – this includes being entertaining. But, hey, whatever makes money, right? The premise is as basic as they come. A family moves into a suburban home, only to learn that it’s haunted by vengeful spirits called “poltergeists.” Why? Something vague enough that it doesn’t matter. I think this version of Poltergeist actually makes fun of a Family Guy episode with an awkward, out-of-place line midway through, which speaks about how high its priorities are. So, it’s a haunted house movie. Are you tired of these yet? What was the last good one we got? Was it Insidious? I guess The Conjuring would fit that role. Much of Poltergeist feels like a highlight reel showcase of scenes you may or may not remember from the original. The heart and the character moments have been stripped out. It focuses on scares without building its characters or even any sense of atmosphere. All of its scares, by the way, are of the jump startle variety, which means that you get loud noise and maybe a quick camera movement, which are not frightening – they may startle, but that’s a fleeting feeling, and the ones here aren’t even good at that. There’s also some bad CGI which never feels like it’s interacting with the characters. You can see all of it in 3D that adds nothing and makes an already dark film darker thanks to the tinted glasses, with the added bonus of paying more to see a terrible horror remake. It’s all about that money, money, yeah, yeah. Recommendation: If you need to see a moderately scary remake of Poltergeist, rent Insidious. [rating=1]