Recap Episode One

This week’s episode raised a lot of questions that it never really addressed – why is it so odd to see Direwolves this far south? What are White Walkers? What happened to Ned’s sister and why is Fat Bob still so angry about it? – but there’s no real need to try and keep them straight just at the moment. They’ll all come up again in the future. For now, let’s just learn the major players in this particular Game. The episode begins with three soldiers, clad in black, riding out from THE WALL into the snowy countryside. These are members of the NIGHT’S WATCH, who guard the northernmost border of civilization against, among other things, WILDLINGS. These three guys are apparently meant to be looking into recent Wildling activities. After poking around a bit, one of them finds a campsite with several mutilated bodies arranged in a design on the forest floor, and a small girl impaled on a nearby tree. He collects his companions to show them, but when they return to the campsite, the bodies are gone. Now, anyone with a lick of sense would know that while hacked-to-bits bodies is bad, missing hacked-to-bits bodies is worse, and the guy who found the bodies proves that he’s the smartest of the bunch by suggesting they all get the hell outta Dodge. But these guys decide to do some more looking around, anyway, and it’s not long before a white creature with too-blue eyes arrives to kill them, which leads to the first beheading of the evening. Yes, this is the kind of show that has a “first beheading.” We leave the final member of the Night’s Watch trio to his fate and nip over to the very muddy WINTERFELL, home of the STARK family. A young boy, BRAN STARK, is practicing his archery, while his parents, EDDARD (NED to his pals) and CATELYN look on affectionately from above. Bran kind of sucks at archery, but hey, he’s only 10, so give the kid a break. While the boys work on their bow and arrow skills, we see a group of girls, including the daintily demure SANSA STARK and her tomboy sister ARYA working on their stitchery. Sansa impresses her teacher with her skills while Arya nips outside to show up Bran with her bow-work. Sibling rivalry ensues and the grownups, including Bran’s older brother ROBB get a good “remember when we were that young?” chuckle out of it. Back to Winterfell, where a raven shows up with word that Jon Arryn is dead. Not only was he like a father to Ned, he was also the HAND OF THE KING, which is basically the King’s second in command. The message also says that the King will be coming to Winterfell. Catelyn figures this means one thing: He’s going to offer the job of Hand to Ned. There is a distinct lack of rejoicing at this realization. The King and his entourage do indeed show up, and the youngest Stark kids are all atwitter about it. Bran gets a scolding from Catelyn for climbing up the castle walls to get a better view, Arya wears a soldier’s helmet for no apparent reason other to emphasize that she’s a tomboy, and Sansa goos at Joffrey like she’s on the front row at a Justin Bieber concert. KING ROBERT BARATHEON dismounts, and obviously projecting his own insecurities, tells Ned that he’s gotten fat. Arya keeps demanding to know where THE IMP is – terribly rude of her, but see, she’s a tomboy, not like her perfectly mannered sister ok we get it already. The answer to her question, by the way, is “in the local whorehouse.” We meet TYRION LANNISTER, aka The Imp, enjoying the talents of a working girl and showing everyone else in the show how to act without looking like you’re acting. Seriously, if you have no interest in Game of Thrones at all, just tune in to watch Peter Dinklage wipe the floor with his cast mates. He’s effortlessly brilliant. Back at Winterfell, the Starks are throwing a big ol’ bash in Fat King Bob’s honor. UNCLE BENJI of the Night Watch – Ned’s brother Benjen – shows up. Jon Snow, who isn’t at the feast because Catelyn thought the presence of the royal bastard might be seen as insulting to the King, begs to be allowed to join the Night Watch, but Benji cautions against it. Jon gets pretty bitter about it. Later that night, after the revelries, Ned and Cat are in bed discussing that being Hand would pretty much suck, and that Fat Bob is pretty fat. A servant arrives with a message from Cat’s sister, who also happens to be the ex-Mrs. King’s Hand. She claims that the Lannisters poisoned her husband and are conspiring to kill the King. So, naturally, Ned decides to accept the job as Hand. Back to Pentos, where Daenerys’ wedding is in full swing. There are plenty of half naked women and heavy drum beats to remind you that the Dothraki Are Barbarians. They also are the only folks in the entire show so far who seem to be having any fun, so make of that what you will. Khal Drogo looks on, amused when two Dothraki get into a fight about who gets to hump one of the bridesmaids. (Happens at every wedding, doesn’t it?) SIR JORAH MORMONT arrives to present Daenerys with a wedding gift of books, and tells her that he had served her father. Daenerys receives three dragon eggs as another gift; they’ve long since turned to stone but are “still beautiful,” explains her host. Ok, party’s done, time to go consummate this marriage! Khal Drogo takes his Khaleesi to some lovely…rocks (seriously, dude, you couldn’t even put some leaves down, or something?) and gets his groove on while she cries. Before you think too ill of him, he did give her a very pretty horse first. Bran is back to climbing the walls at Winterfell while the grownups get ready to go out and hunt them some boar. As he approaches the top, Bran hears some sexytime happening, but when he looks in he discovers it’s Jaime and Cersei getting all Flowers in the Attic. Cersei freaks out. Now, let’s review. Bran is 10. Cersei is queen. In the world of He Said/She Said, I’m pretty sure Queen trumps 10 year old kid, but Jaime decides that safe is better than sorry and shoves young Bran out the very high window. Aaaaaaand roll credits! We’re wrapped for the week.